Star Trek: Nemesis: The Abridged Script
Rod Hilton of The Editing Room writes abridged movie scripts for us to enjoy. If you are into movies at all and don't take your obsession too seriously, visit his site. I like the way these abridged scripts manage to lay the finger on the bad aspects of some movies. In a way, they are movie criticisms in the form of parodies. That's why these abridged scripts work best for the really inferior movies out there.
I took the liberty of writing an abridged script for a very bad movie that was
released late 2002/early 2003: 'Star Trek: Nemesis.' Rod hasn't yet done this one, and I think it deserves his treatment, so here's my version. Incidentally, perhaps you know of the legend that even-numbered Star Trek movies are worthwhile, while odd-numbered ones
suck the big one are less enjoyable. Well, this tenth movie seriously manages to break that chain.
Warning: This text contains spoilers! Don't read it if you still want to enjoy (if that is possible) this movie.
STAR TREK: NEMESIS: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT By Pieter Spronck FADE IN: INT. ROMULAN MEETING ROOM A Romulan council is in session. FIRST ROMULAN They beat Kahn! They beat the Borg! Now, for their tenth movie, the crew of the Enterprise should meet the ultimate enemy: the Romulans! SECOND ROMULAN (incredulously) WE are the ultimate enemy? Look at our stupid clothes and our silly haircuts! Come on! No sane audience will buy that! FIRST ROMULAN Alright. In that case, let's call in our brothers the Remans, who, surprisingly, physically have a lot in common with second-rate goblins. SECOND ROMULAN Fine. Excuse me while I die in a disgusting way. FIRST ROMULAN Be my guest. That's on my schedule too. The finale of RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK plays. The whole council dies. EXT. HOLODECK SIMULATION OF A MEADOW A wedding reception is in progress. WHOOPI GOLDBERG Hi! Remember me? I had a guest role in the series! Oops, my time is up. Bye! WIL WHEATON I also have a cameo! Too late, you missed me. GATES MACFADDEN At least you two were MEANT to be cameos. I am actually supposed to play a major part in this movie, but unfortunately this is about it for me too. PATRICK STEWART Silence, please. Will all the MINOR CHARACTERS stop trying to take screentime from me and my pal Brent? Good. Now listen to my wedding speech. (scrapes throat) Dear friends, we have gathered together here to listen to me making embarrassing jokes and to endure Brent's singing. Fortunately an admiral now calls me away to get the action going. PATRICK STEWART leaves the party and goes to his ready room. INT. READY ROOM KATE MULGREW Excuse my awkward cameo. You must go to Romulus to negotiate peace, or some shit like that. Make haste. As always, the future of the Federation depends on YOU. PATRICK STEWART Right. I'll immediately follow your orders, after I have taken a detour to needlessly put my life in danger on some desert planet. EXT. SOME DESERT PLANET PATRICK STEWART, MICHAEL DORN and BRENT SPINER are exiting a shuttle in a turbo golf cart. PATRICK is behind the wheel. MICHAEL DORN Sir! Permit me to offer the suggestion that Brent or I do the driving, sir. PATRICK STEWART Listen, Michael. As you know, I am a wise, thoughtful, responsible, erudite man, whose main thrills consist of archeology, Shakespeare and having breakfast with Gates MacFadden. Obviously I am the best man to drive this vehicle. MICHAEL DORN Why is that, sir? PATRICK STEWART (laughing maniacally) Because I just luuuuv reckless driving! Tally-ho! The golf cart spurts away leaving a cloud of dust behind. After scaring the heebeejeebies out of a couple of sand bunnies, it comes to a screeching halt near an artifact. PATRICK STEWART (examining the artifact) Isn't that your head, Brent? BRENT SPINER It certainly looks like it, sir. PATRICK STEWART How did it get here? BRENT SPINER Obviously someone got hold of a copy of me, took it apart and spread the parts out over a dangerous planet, so we could pick them all up and put them back together again. PATRICK STEWART How the hell did somebody get hold of a copy of you? BRENT SPINER You are not supposed to ask that, sir. PATRICK STEWART Isn't the audience going to wonder? BRENT SPINER Not if we have an exciting chase scene just about now, sir. They manage to escape from a rather uninspired assault by MAD MAX rejects and return to the ENTERPRISE. INT. ENGINEERING BRENT SPINER proceeds to construct a duplicate of himself. LEVAR BURTON lends him a hand, in a desperate attempt to show the audience that, yes, he still is part of the crew. B4 BRENT I am an earlier model dr. Soong constructed of you, Brent. BRENT SPINER Intriguing. B4 BRENT What, there being an earlier model of you? BRENT SPINER No, the fact that the writers imagined the viewers would think B4 is a clever name. But now you mention it, how come dr. Soong never talked about you, neither while alive nor in his extensive notes? B4 BRENT (beeps) ERROR. Please restate question. BRENT SPINER (sighs) How come your parts were strewn all over that planet? B4 BRENT It was a clever ruse to get you to build yourself an enemy spy on your ship. BRENT SPINER That's some plan, indeed. But I know what to do. B4 BRENT What? BRENT SPINER First I'll dump my complete memory banks into you and then I'll let you roam free about the ship. B4 BRENT Your memory banks? Why? BRENT SPINER To create an obvious replacement for myself for future movies in case I need to valiantly sacrifice myself during this one. Now go do your spying while I burst into a song. EXT. DEEP SPACE The ENTERPRISE is met by the SCIMITAR. INT. DARK ROOM ABOARD THE SCIMITAR PATRICK STEWART, accompanied by some major characters whose scenes unfortunately ended up on the cutting room floor, beams into the room. TOM HARDY makes a dramatic entrance. PATRICK STEWART Who are you? TOM HARDY I am your clone. I am a younger version of you! I have had a terrible youth and therefore I am eeeeevil! PATRICK STEWART No way you are a clone of me. We look nothing alike. TOM HARDY You are bald. I am bald. What more do you want? PATRICK STEWART Actually, at your age I still had some hair. TOM HARDY Alright, I admit, I shaved my head for the occasion. But I AM your clone. Isn't it scary to meet an evil version of yourself who still has the strength of youth? PATRICK STEWART Not really, since you are obviously very ill and dying. How did you come into being anyway? TOM HARDY That's quite a convoluted story, but if you're interested in hearing it, I'll gladly explain it all. PATRICK STEWART (yawns) No thanks, we really should get some action going soon. Just tell me what you want from me. TOM HARDY As you already noted, I am dying. I need some of your uncontaminated DNA to stop the process and become your ultimate nemesis. PATRICK STEWART I suppose, now I am defenseless and totally under your control, you are going to forcefully take it from my body, aren't you? TOM HARDY Interestingly enough, I am going to do no such thing. I will send you back to your ship, so I can spend the rest of the movie hunting you down for your precious DNA. PATRICK STEWART Oh good. PATRICK STEWART and his tag-alongs return to the ENTERPRISE. INT. HONEYMOON QUARTERS JONATHAN FRAKES and MARINA SIRTIS are enjoying each other's company. MARINA SIRTIS I'll now undress and pretend to have sex with you, Jonathan. JONATHAN FRAKES Couldn't you have shown nudity fifteen years ago when you were still in your early thirties? MARINA SIRTIS Shut up. This is the only way to ensure at least some of my scenes will not end up in the trash can. They start doing the nasty. Suddenly, MARINA finds she is being humped by TOM HARDY. MARINA SIRTIS How can you?! I am old enough to be your mother! She gets mentally violated but we don't really care. Soon after PATRICK STEWART is captured. INT. PRISON CELL ABOARD THE SCIMITAR TOM HARDY has put PATRICK STEWART in chains. PATRICK STEWART So, are you going to take my DNA now? TOM HARDY No, there'll be plenty of time for that later. I will leave you alone for a while to direct my ship towards Earth so I can destroy it with my Evil Weapon. PATRICK STEWART Good, then Brent can help me escape. TOM HARDY leaves. BRENT SPINER enters. BRENT SPINER Quickly, sir. I have a tiny transporter with me that will beam one of us over to the Enterprise. Take it and get out of here. I am in no immediate danger here and will escape some other way. PATRICK STEWART You didn't think of bringing TWO of those tiny transporters? BRENT SPINER (beeps) ERROR. Please restate question. PATRICK STEWART (pondering) Obviously the safety of Earth is our first priority. As long as Tom needs my DNA, he will focus his attention on me and leave Earth alone. Therefore, the wisest course of action for me is to use the transporter to escape... BRENT SPINER offers him the tiny transporting device. PATRICK STEWART (CONT'D) But no. Let's fight a legion of Remans, steal a shuttle, replay the STAR WARS assault on the Death Star scene and escape together. They perform this exciting sounding feat which unfortunately comes over as rather stale. EXT. DEEP SPACE The ENTERPRISE speeds back to Earth, followed by the SCIMITAR. The SCIMITAR disables the ENTERPRISE's warp drives. A big LASER SHOW of the kind we have watched dozens of times before follows until the ENTERPRISE lies dead in space. INT. BRIDGE OF THE ENTERPRISE BRENT SPINER We have no weapons or shields left and can barely move. I guess Tom will very soon send his troops over to capture you again. PATRICK STEWART I'll blow the Enterprise up! BRENT SPINER Please! That has been done to death! Let's pretend the auto- destruct mechanism has failed. PATRICK STEWART (remembering BEN HUR) Okay then: RAMMING SPEED! BRENT SPINER You want to RAM the Scimitar? But it still has shields up while ours are down! PATRICK STEWART Sh! Watch the INCREDIBLY COOL crash scene! EXT. DEEP SPACE The ENTERPRISE rams the SCIMITAR in a COOL though TERRIBLY DRAWN-OUT sequence. INT. BRIDGE OF THE ENTERPRISE BRENT SPINER That WAS cool! PATRICK STEWART It was, wasn't it? You no longer think this movie is boring, don't you? BRENT SPINER I wouldn't go THAT far... PATRICK STEWART In that case, we'll do it again, but now IN REVERSE! EXT. DEEP SPACE The ramming scene is shown again in reverse. INT. BRIDGE OF THE ENTERPRISE BRENT SPINER What good did this all do? PATRICK STEWART It was the best thing this movie had to offer. So stop complaining. They then notice that TOM HARDY has activated his EVIL WEAPON to wipe out everyone on board the ENTERPRISE in a manner that will destroy all organic material whatsoever, making sure that none of PATRICK's DNA will be left to cure him. Fortunately, the EVIL WEAPON takes several minutes to power up. BRENT SPINER What are we going to do now? PATRICK STEWART Tom Hardy wants my DNA. He and his men are all in his ship. I am going to beam over there. BRENT SPINER WHY???? PATRICK STEWART (beeps) ERROR. Please restate question. PATRICK STEWART transports himself to the SCIMITAR, without any means of return. BRENT SPINER I guess he forgot to take that tiny transporter we didn't yet use. I better go over there to bring it to him. He does. INT. BRIDGE OF THE SCIMITAR BRENT SPINER arrives just in time to see PATRICK STEWART and TOM HARDY re-enact a scene from EXCALIBUR. He hands the tiny transporter to PATRICK and sends him on his way. BRENT SPINER I'll now hang around till the very last second before blowing up this ship. He does so and goes down in a BLAZE OF GLORY. INT. READY ROOM PATRICK STEWART is in conversation with B4 BRENT. PATRICK STEWART Will you replace Brent as our local android in the next movie? B4 BRENT starts singing "My Way". END
© 2003 by Pieter Spronck