Home

  Publications

  Research

  Teaching

  Soapbox
    Bonus
    Nemesis: Abridged Script
    AI in AI

  Contact

  CV

  Games

  Links

  Python Book

  Blog

 

Star Trek: Nemesis: The Abridged Script

Rod Hilton of The Editing Room writes abridged movie scripts for us to enjoy. If you are into movies at all and don't take your obsession too seriously, visit his site. I like the way these abridged scripts manage to lay the finger on the bad aspects of some movies. In a way, they are movie criticisms in the form of parodies. That's why these abridged scripts work best for the really inferior movies out there.

I took the liberty of writing an abridged script for a very bad movie that was released late 2002/early 2003: 'Star Trek: Nemesis.' Rod hasn't yet done this one, and I think it deserves his treatment, so here's my version. Incidentally, perhaps you know of the legend that even-numbered Star Trek movies are worthwhile, while odd-numbered ones suck the big one are less enjoyable. Well, this tenth movie seriously manages to break that chain.

Warning: This text contains spoilers! Don't read it if you still want to enjoy (if that is possible) this movie.


          STAR TREK: NEMESIS: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

                    By Pieter Spronck

FADE IN:

INT. ROMULAN MEETING ROOM

A Romulan council is in session.

                    FIRST ROMULAN
          They beat Kahn!  They beat the 
          Borg!  Now, for their tenth movie,
          the crew of the Enterprise should 
          meet the ultimate enemy: the 
          Romulans!
          
                    SECOND ROMULAN
              (incredulously)
          WE are the ultimate enemy?  Look at
          our stupid clothes and our silly 
          haircuts!  Come on!  No sane 
          audience will buy that!
          
                    FIRST ROMULAN
          Alright.  In that case, let's call
          in our brothers the Remans, who, 
          surprisingly, physically have a lot
          in common with second-rate goblins. 
          
                    SECOND ROMULAN
          Fine.  Excuse me while I die in a 
          disgusting way.

                    FIRST ROMULAN
          Be my guest.  That's on my schedule
          too.

The finale of RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK plays.  The 
whole council dies.

EXT. HOLODECK SIMULATION OF A MEADOW

A wedding reception is in progress.

                    WHOOPI GOLDBERG
          Hi!  Remember me?  I had a guest 
          role in the series!  Oops, my time
          is up.  Bye!
          
                    WIL WHEATON
          I also have a cameo!  Too late, you
          missed me.

                    GATES MACFADDEN
          At least you two were MEANT to be
          cameos.  I am actually supposed to 
          play a major part in this movie, 
          but unfortunately this is about it
          for me too.

                    PATRICK STEWART
          Silence, please.  Will all the 
          MINOR CHARACTERS stop trying to 
          take screentime from me and my pal
          Brent?  Good.  Now listen to my 
          wedding speech. 
              (scrapes throat)
          Dear friends, we have gathered 
          together here to listen to me 
          making embarrassing jokes and to 
          endure Brent's singing.  
          Fortunately an admiral now calls me
          away to get the action going.
          
PATRICK STEWART leaves the party and goes to his ready
room.          

INT. READY ROOM

                    KATE MULGREW
          Excuse my awkward cameo.  You must
          go to Romulus to negotiate peace, 
          or some shit like that.  Make 
          haste.  As always, the future of 
          the Federation depends on YOU.

                    PATRICK STEWART
          Right.  I'll immediately follow 
          your orders, after I have taken a 
          detour to needlessly put my life in
          danger on some desert planet.

EXT. SOME DESERT PLANET
          
PATRICK STEWART, MICHAEL DORN and BRENT SPINER are 
exiting a shuttle in a turbo golf cart. PATRICK is
behind the wheel.        
          
                    MICHAEL DORN
          Sir!  Permit me to offer the
          suggestion that Brent or I do the
          driving, sir.

                    PATRICK STEWART
          Listen, Michael.  As you know, I am 
          a wise, thoughtful, responsible,     
          erudite man, whose main thrills 
          consist of archeology, Shakespeare 
          and having breakfast with Gates 
          MacFadden.  Obviously I am the best 
          man to drive this vehicle.
          
                    MICHAEL DORN
          Why is that, sir?
          
                    PATRICK STEWART
              (laughing maniacally)
          Because I just luuuuv reckless 
          driving!  Tally-ho!
          
The golf cart spurts away leaving a cloud of dust 
behind. After scaring the heebeejeebies out of a couple
of sand bunnies, it comes to a screeching halt near an 
artifact.

                    PATRICK STEWART
              (examining the artifact)
          Isn't that your head, Brent?

                    BRENT SPINER
          It certainly looks like it, sir.

                    PATRICK STEWART
          How did it get here?

                    BRENT SPINER
          Obviously someone got hold of a 
          copy of me, took it apart and 
          spread the parts out over a 
          dangerous planet, so we could pick
          them all up and put them back 
          together again.

                    PATRICK STEWART
          How the hell did somebody get hold
          of a copy of you?

                    BRENT SPINER
          You are not supposed to ask that, 
          sir.

                    PATRICK STEWART
          Isn't the audience going to wonder?

                    BRENT SPINER
          Not if we have an exciting chase 
          scene just about now, sir.
          
They manage to escape from a rather uninspired assault
by MAD MAX rejects and return to the ENTERPRISE.

INT. ENGINEERING

BRENT SPINER proceeds to construct a duplicate of 
himself. LEVAR BURTON lends him a hand, in a desperate
attempt to show the audience that, yes, he still is 
part of the crew.

                    B4 BRENT
          I am an earlier model dr. Soong 
          constructed of you, Brent.

                    BRENT SPINER
          Intriguing.

                    B4 BRENT
          What, there being an earlier model 
          of you?

                    BRENT SPINER
          No, the fact that the writers 
          imagined the viewers would think B4
          is a clever name.  But now you 
          mention it, how come dr. Soong 
          never talked about you, neither 
          while alive nor in his extensive 
          notes?

                    B4 BRENT
              (beeps)
          ERROR.  Please restate question.

                    BRENT SPINER
              (sighs)
          How come your parts were strewn all
          over that planet?

                    B4 BRENT
          It was a clever ruse to get you to
          build yourself an enemy spy on your
          ship.

                    BRENT SPINER
          That's some plan, indeed.  But I 
          know what to do.

                    B4 BRENT
          What?
        
                    BRENT SPINER
          First I'll dump my complete memory
          banks into you and then I'll let 
          you roam free about the ship.

                    B4 BRENT
          Your memory banks?  Why?
          
                    BRENT SPINER
          To create an obvious replacement 
          for myself for future movies in 
          case I need to valiantly sacrifice
          myself during this one.  Now go do
          your spying while I burst into a 
          song.

EXT. DEEP SPACE

The ENTERPRISE is met by the SCIMITAR.

INT. DARK ROOM ABOARD THE SCIMITAR          
          
PATRICK STEWART, accompanied by some major characters
whose scenes unfortunately ended up on the cutting room
floor, beams into the room. TOM HARDY makes a dramatic 
entrance.

                    PATRICK STEWART
          Who are you?
          
                    TOM HARDY
          I am your clone.  I am a younger 
          version of you!  I have had a 
          terrible youth and therefore I am 
          eeeeevil!
          
                    PATRICK STEWART
          No way you are a clone of me.  We 
          look nothing alike.
          
                    TOM HARDY
          You are bald.  I am bald.  What 
          more do you want?
          
                    PATRICK STEWART
          Actually, at your age I still had 
          some hair.
                    
                    TOM HARDY
          Alright, I admit, I shaved my head 
          for the occasion.  But I AM your 
          clone.  Isn't it scary to meet an 
          evil version of yourself who still 
          has the strength of youth?

                    PATRICK STEWART
          Not really, since you are obviously
          very ill and dying.  How did you 
          come into being anyway?

                    TOM HARDY
          That's quite a convoluted story, 
          but if you're interested in hearing
          it, I'll gladly explain it all.

                    PATRICK STEWART
              (yawns)
          No thanks, we really should get 
          some action going soon.  Just tell
          me what you want from me.
          
                    TOM HARDY
          As you already noted, I am dying. 
          I need some of your uncontaminated 
          DNA to stop the process and become 
          your ultimate nemesis.

                    PATRICK STEWART
          I suppose, now I am defenseless and
          totally under your control, you are
          going to forcefully take it from my 
          body, aren't you?
          
                    TOM HARDY
          Interestingly enough, I am going to 
          do no such thing.  I will send you 
          back to your ship, so I can spend 
          the rest of the movie hunting you 
          down for your precious DNA.
          
                    PATRICK STEWART
          Oh good.

PATRICK STEWART and his tag-alongs return to the 
ENTERPRISE. 

INT. HONEYMOON QUARTERS

JONATHAN FRAKES and MARINA SIRTIS are enjoying
each other's company.

                    MARINA SIRTIS
          I'll now undress and pretend to 
          have sex with you, Jonathan.

                    JONATHAN FRAKES
          Couldn't you have shown nudity 
          fifteen years ago when you were
          still in your early thirties?

                    MARINA SIRTIS
          Shut up.  This is the only way to
          ensure at least some of my scenes 
          will not end up in the trash can.
          
They start doing the nasty. Suddenly, MARINA finds she
is being humped by TOM HARDY.

                    MARINA SIRTIS
          How can you?! I am old enough to be
          your mother!
          
She gets mentally violated but we don't really care.          
          
Soon after PATRICK STEWART is captured.

INT. PRISON CELL ABOARD THE SCIMITAR        

TOM HARDY has put PATRICK STEWART in chains.

                    PATRICK STEWART
          So, are you going to take my DNA 
          now?
          
                    TOM HARDY
          No, there'll be plenty of time for
          that later.  I will leave you alone
          for a while to direct my ship 
          towards Earth so I can destroy it 
          with my Evil Weapon.

                    PATRICK STEWART
          Good, then Brent can help me 
          escape.

TOM HARDY leaves. BRENT SPINER enters.

                    BRENT SPINER
          Quickly, sir.  I have a tiny 
          transporter with me that will beam 
          one of us over to the Enterprise. 
          Take it and get out of here.  I am
          in no immediate danger here and 
          will escape some other way.

                    PATRICK STEWART
          You didn't think of bringing TWO of
          those tiny transporters?

                    BRENT SPINER
              (beeps)
          ERROR.  Please restate question.

                    PATRICK STEWART
              (pondering)
          Obviously the safety of Earth is 
          our first priority.  As long as Tom
          needs my DNA, he will focus his 
          attention on me and leave Earth 
          alone.  Therefore, the wisest
          course of action for me is to use 
          the transporter to escape...
          
BRENT SPINER offers him the tiny transporting device.
          
                    PATRICK STEWART (CONT'D)
          But no.  Let's fight a legion of 
          Remans, steal a shuttle, replay the
          STAR WARS assault on the Death Star 
          scene and escape together.

They perform this exciting sounding feat which 
unfortunately comes over as rather stale.

EXT. DEEP SPACE

The ENTERPRISE speeds back to Earth, followed by the 
SCIMITAR.  The SCIMITAR disables the ENTERPRISE's warp
drives.  A big LASER SHOW of the kind we have watched
dozens of times before follows until the ENTERPRISE 
lies dead in space.

INT. BRIDGE OF THE ENTERPRISE

                    BRENT SPINER
          We have no weapons or shields left
          and can barely move.  I guess Tom 
          will very soon send his troops over
          to capture you again.

                    PATRICK STEWART
          I'll blow the Enterprise up!

                    BRENT SPINER
          Please!  That has been done to 
          death!  Let's pretend the auto-
          destruct mechanism has failed.

                    PATRICK STEWART
              (remembering BEN HUR)
          Okay then: RAMMING SPEED!

                    BRENT SPINER
          You want to RAM the Scimitar?  But 
          it still has shields up while ours 
          are down!

                    PATRICK STEWART
          Sh!  Watch the INCREDIBLY COOL 
          crash scene!

EXT. DEEP SPACE

The ENTERPRISE rams the SCIMITAR in a COOL though 
TERRIBLY DRAWN-OUT sequence.

INT. BRIDGE OF THE ENTERPRISE

                    BRENT SPINER
          That WAS cool!

                    PATRICK STEWART
          It was, wasn't it?  You no longer 
          think this movie is boring, don't 
          you?

                    BRENT SPINER
          I wouldn't go THAT far...

                    PATRICK STEWART
          In that case, we'll do it again, 
          but now IN REVERSE!

EXT. DEEP SPACE

The ramming scene is shown again in reverse.

INT. BRIDGE OF THE ENTERPRISE

                    BRENT SPINER
          What good did this all do?

                    PATRICK STEWART
          It was the best thing this movie 
          had to offer.  So stop complaining.

They then notice that TOM HARDY has activated his EVIL
WEAPON to wipe out everyone on board the ENTERPRISE
in a manner that will destroy all organic material
whatsoever, making sure that none of PATRICK's DNA will
be left to cure him.  Fortunately, the EVIL WEAPON 
takes several minutes to power up.

                    BRENT SPINER
          What are we going to do now?

                    PATRICK STEWART
          Tom Hardy wants my DNA.  He and his
          men are all in his ship.  I am 
          going to beam over there.

                    BRENT SPINER
          WHY????

                    PATRICK STEWART
              (beeps)
          ERROR.  Please restate question.

PATRICK STEWART transports himself to the SCIMITAR,
without any means of return.

                    BRENT SPINER
          I guess he forgot to take that tiny
          transporter we didn't yet use.  I 
          better go over there to bring it to 
          him.

He does.

INT. BRIDGE OF THE SCIMITAR

BRENT SPINER arrives just in time to see PATRICK 
STEWART and TOM HARDY re-enact a scene from EXCALIBUR.
He hands the tiny transporter to PATRICK and sends him
on his way. 

                    BRENT SPINER
          I'll now hang around till the very
          last second before blowing up this
          ship.
          
He does so and goes down in a BLAZE OF GLORY.          

INT. READY ROOM

PATRICK STEWART is in conversation with B4 BRENT.

                    PATRICK STEWART
          Will you replace Brent as our local
          android in the next movie?

B4 BRENT starts singing "My Way".

END

© 2003 by Pieter Spronck